To which Vincent thoughtfully continued, "We mostly spoke about our formative years Catherine, and shared many memories from those times, and many of those memories were good from when we were children."
Vincent then continued, "I did have a happy life as a young child growing up. It was during my adolescence things seem to change somehow. And as I grew older there were times when I questioned my own existence. I suppose it was because of my becoming more and more aware of how different I was from everyone else, I very often felt distinct, and set apart."
Pensively, with a furrowed brow, Vincent confessed, "Sometimes Catherine, I would go by myself, and I would glare upon my reflection in the mirror pool, and I would wonder why this had happened to me."
Catherine's heart ached for Vincent hearing how he must have felt. As she looked at him however, what she saw was so entirely different.
And so Catherine's voice quaked with emotion, as she said, "It is hard to understand how could you have felt that way, to me you are..."
With a tone of admonition, Vincent broke in to confirm, "You are viewing me now through your kind loving heart Catherine, not your mind! It IS how I felt back then, know it is true."
Upon realizing he sounded a bit too firm, Vincent, in an apologetic tone added, "I only meant to say...it is MY truth...how I had viewed myself...well...as it were...because of some reactions...I knew there was something ominous about me, something to be feared on some level."
Sadly, Catherine asked, "You are thinking of my first reaction aren't you Vincent?"
Softly and sadly Vincent answered, "Well no not your reation Catherine, I am referring to other's, when I was much younger, many years ago...during this pivotal time in my life."
Though Vincent was not including Catherine, she couldn't help but remember the awful moment when she did first see both Vincent's, and her own reflection in the silver dish. She knew there was no way to take back the hurt she caused him that day. So sadly, she conveyed, "I see, but as long as we are speaking about it...may I just say...I know I hurt your feelings that day Vincent, and I am so sorry."
Trying to ease Catherine's guilt, Vincent told her, "Please don't let it concern you...I understood you were feeling alone, frightened, and apprehensive of all which lay before you...understand...it is not an issue for me."
Vincent then thought for a moment, and mused, "I did however discover one thing that day..."
To which Catherine asked, "Oh?"
With a raised brow, Vincent teasingly said, "You have a good arm Catherine, and excellent aim."
Bending her head to hide her embarrassment, truly ashamed she had instinctively re-acted in such a violent way, Catherine told him, "We've never spoken about that, how I wish it hadn't happened..."
Humbly, Catherine went on to explain, "You know my reaction was partly from just seeing my own scars, and the extent of my injuries. I was horrified by what I saw! Then when you approached from behind, I was deep in thought, wondering how I was going to put my life back together! How was I going to step back into my world, where so much power is placed on beauty and perfection."
Vincent understood, and agreed, saying, "I know it can not be easy living a good life in the world above Catherine. But you needn't be sorry, it actually showed me you were a fighter, and you had strength within you to survive. I could feel it...and I knew then you were ready to return to your world, and you would be all right."
Astonished by the fact, Vincent could feel any strength within her then, Catherine replied, "I'm not sure how you knew it. I certainly didn't! I was so unsure how I was going to go on! How was I going to fit back in to my world looking as I did..."
And then realizing the conversation got off the track, Catherine expressed, "Oh my, why are we talking about me? I am sorry, I guess it was because we were talking about reactions, and then about my insecurities...so please go on with what you were saying Vincent..."
With a nod, Vincent empathized with her about those feelings and then confirmed, "What you have shared actually ties in with what I wanted to explain...you see I know those feelings as well Catherine, in fact I believe all men host a fear of rejection. We all want and need to be accepted, and a child growing up even more so. Which I believe is why the incident with Lisa, affected me so profoundly all these years. Why I never felt worthy to be loved or to give love. When a child is rejected, no matter what the reason, they tend to twist and magnify its importance. They manage to warp its power, far beyond its realm, and even after the tears have dried, the scars which remain, change you. Deep down inside, rejection changes how you view yourself, and lessens ones worth. Even if only in ones own mind."
Mindfully, Vincent continued, "But this knowledge is what feeds our heart, and tell us who and what we are. When I harmed Lisa, it made me question what I was. Was I a man, or a monster? When Lisa had pulled away so suddenly, I thought she was reacting out of fear, and repulsion, but she revealed to me, it was because of shame she pulled away. She felt ashamed she had these feelings for me, feelings she could not understand. In our community here below, we had been brought up so closely, that her feelings made her feel badly. Since then, Lisa and I, have come to realize the feelings between us all these years, had been fueled by the rejection we had experienced. For me it had been Lisa's reaction, which I had miss-interpreted, and I believe I was seeking forgiveness and acceptance from her. Which she granted me by graciously sharing and revealing her truths with me. And Lisa too, had dealt with great pain all these years. She felt rejected from Father when he had sent her away. Catherine, this weekend, had been a healing time for all of us. Father now knows he could have handled things differently. He has great regret for those days gone by, and Lisa and I, we have discovered, the feelings between us all these years, were nothing more than childhood needs, that had not been recognized. A need to be assured we were loved, and could be accepted, despite the mistakes we made."
Vincent lowered his eyes for a moment, before looking back at Catherine, and assured her, "Lisa and I are family to one another, nothing more."
Tearfully, Catherine looked downward, as she softly told Vincent, "I hoped when I came to you tonight you would want me here Vincent. I wasn't sure if I would be intruding, but still, I could not stay away. When I heard Peter's message about a cave in here, my only thought was of you. I prayed you were all right. I came despite everything, nothing else mattered, only you."
After hearing and understanding how much Catherine cared for him, Vincent sadly whispered, "Please know, even at my worst moment, even when I had been closed to our bond, my heart belonged to you. It has since the day, from the very moment I found you."
Catherine touched his cheek, and sincerely told him, "I believe I always knew it Vincent, but I needed you to know it too."
To be continued...
Chapter Nineteen
Vincent then continued, "I did have a happy life as a young child growing up. It was during my adolescence things seem to change somehow. And as I grew older there were times when I questioned my own existence. I suppose it was because of my becoming more and more aware of how different I was from everyone else, I very often felt distinct, and set apart."
Pensively, with a furrowed brow, Vincent confessed, "Sometimes Catherine, I would go by myself, and I would glare upon my reflection in the mirror pool, and I would wonder why this had happened to me."
Catherine's heart ached for Vincent hearing how he must have felt. As she looked at him however, what she saw was so entirely different.
And so Catherine's voice quaked with emotion, as she said, "It is hard to understand how could you have felt that way, to me you are..."
With a tone of admonition, Vincent broke in to confirm, "You are viewing me now through your kind loving heart Catherine, not your mind! It IS how I felt back then, know it is true."
Upon realizing he sounded a bit too firm, Vincent, in an apologetic tone added, "I only meant to say...it is MY truth...how I had viewed myself...well...as it were...because of some reactions...I knew there was something ominous about me, something to be feared on some level."
Sadly, Catherine asked, "You are thinking of my first reaction aren't you Vincent?"
Softly and sadly Vincent answered, "Well no not your reation Catherine, I am referring to other's, when I was much younger, many years ago...during this pivotal time in my life."
Though Vincent was not including Catherine, she couldn't help but remember the awful moment when she did first see both Vincent's, and her own reflection in the silver dish. She knew there was no way to take back the hurt she caused him that day. So sadly, she conveyed, "I see, but as long as we are speaking about it...may I just say...I know I hurt your feelings that day Vincent, and I am so sorry."
Trying to ease Catherine's guilt, Vincent told her, "Please don't let it concern you...I understood you were feeling alone, frightened, and apprehensive of all which lay before you...understand...it is not an issue for me."
Vincent then thought for a moment, and mused, "I did however discover one thing that day..."
To which Catherine asked, "Oh?"
With a raised brow, Vincent teasingly said, "You have a good arm Catherine, and excellent aim."
Bending her head to hide her embarrassment, truly ashamed she had instinctively re-acted in such a violent way, Catherine told him, "We've never spoken about that, how I wish it hadn't happened..."
Humbly, Catherine went on to explain, "You know my reaction was partly from just seeing my own scars, and the extent of my injuries. I was horrified by what I saw! Then when you approached from behind, I was deep in thought, wondering how I was going to put my life back together! How was I going to step back into my world, where so much power is placed on beauty and perfection."
Vincent understood, and agreed, saying, "I know it can not be easy living a good life in the world above Catherine. But you needn't be sorry, it actually showed me you were a fighter, and you had strength within you to survive. I could feel it...and I knew then you were ready to return to your world, and you would be all right."
Astonished by the fact, Vincent could feel any strength within her then, Catherine replied, "I'm not sure how you knew it. I certainly didn't! I was so unsure how I was going to go on! How was I going to fit back in to my world looking as I did..."
And then realizing the conversation got off the track, Catherine expressed, "Oh my, why are we talking about me? I am sorry, I guess it was because we were talking about reactions, and then about my insecurities...so please go on with what you were saying Vincent..."
With a nod, Vincent empathized with her about those feelings and then confirmed, "What you have shared actually ties in with what I wanted to explain...you see I know those feelings as well Catherine, in fact I believe all men host a fear of rejection. We all want and need to be accepted, and a child growing up even more so. Which I believe is why the incident with Lisa, affected me so profoundly all these years. Why I never felt worthy to be loved or to give love. When a child is rejected, no matter what the reason, they tend to twist and magnify its importance. They manage to warp its power, far beyond its realm, and even after the tears have dried, the scars which remain, change you. Deep down inside, rejection changes how you view yourself, and lessens ones worth. Even if only in ones own mind."
Mindfully, Vincent continued, "But this knowledge is what feeds our heart, and tell us who and what we are. When I harmed Lisa, it made me question what I was. Was I a man, or a monster? When Lisa had pulled away so suddenly, I thought she was reacting out of fear, and repulsion, but she revealed to me, it was because of shame she pulled away. She felt ashamed she had these feelings for me, feelings she could not understand. In our community here below, we had been brought up so closely, that her feelings made her feel badly. Since then, Lisa and I, have come to realize the feelings between us all these years, had been fueled by the rejection we had experienced. For me it had been Lisa's reaction, which I had miss-interpreted, and I believe I was seeking forgiveness and acceptance from her. Which she granted me by graciously sharing and revealing her truths with me. And Lisa too, had dealt with great pain all these years. She felt rejected from Father when he had sent her away. Catherine, this weekend, had been a healing time for all of us. Father now knows he could have handled things differently. He has great regret for those days gone by, and Lisa and I, we have discovered, the feelings between us all these years, were nothing more than childhood needs, that had not been recognized. A need to be assured we were loved, and could be accepted, despite the mistakes we made."
Vincent lowered his eyes for a moment, before looking back at Catherine, and assured her, "Lisa and I are family to one another, nothing more."
Tearfully, Catherine looked downward, as she softly told Vincent, "I hoped when I came to you tonight you would want me here Vincent. I wasn't sure if I would be intruding, but still, I could not stay away. When I heard Peter's message about a cave in here, my only thought was of you. I prayed you were all right. I came despite everything, nothing else mattered, only you."
After hearing and understanding how much Catherine cared for him, Vincent sadly whispered, "Please know, even at my worst moment, even when I had been closed to our bond, my heart belonged to you. It has since the day, from the very moment I found you."
Catherine touched his cheek, and sincerely told him, "I believe I always knew it Vincent, but I needed you to know it too."
To be continued...
Chapter Nineteen
| Where Rainbows End! By Sharon Holtz Chapter Eighteen |
